Ranma Dies Many Deaths

Inspired by ‘Come on People!’ by Astral Chronos

By Dancing Imp

 

 

 

            Ranma was sitting on top of the roof of the Tendo home after yet another argument/fight/whatever. Suddenly a strange sight appeared before him. I mean, strange even for Nerima. Sure they have martial artists, minor demons, ghosts, mummies, and the occasional monster or flying boat, but a huge tree-like spaceship? That’s a first.

 

            “I wonder what it’s here for,” Ranma wondered wonderingly.

 

            His answer came in the form of a single emerald beam that lanced from the ship to pierce his chest and destroy his heart. As Ranma fell to the ground and rolled into the street, the spacecraft ascended into the heavens. The three Tendo sisters came rushing out to see the horrific sight before them.

 

            “No!” Akane cried out, “I never had the chance to tell him I loved him!” She stopped for a moment and then glared at the author for having her stick to a lousy stereotype.

            “Oh my,” Kasumi said before directing a glare of death at the author for using THAT particularly annoying phrase, “I guess I shouldn’t have cooked Ranma’s favorite meal for dinner tonight. I mean, no one else here eats nails and concertina wire.”

 

            “Darn,” Nabiki commented, “Now I can’t collect on that money he owed me for putting his life in jeopardy. Wait! I can sell photos of his corpse to all his enemies!” She started to get angry with the author as well, but then she remembered the rather sizable bribe she had been given and changed her mind.

 

            Suddenly a spectral form appeared. It was a gorgeous woman, with long blue hair and fancy robes. Oh, and she had these weird marks on her forehead. “I am…”

 

            “If you say a fiancé, I’m going to kill the author,” Akane growled.

 

            “A fiancé?”

 

            Akane vanished. Suddenly there was the off-screen sound of someone being put into extreme agony. A few seconds later, Akane came strolling back into view, dusting off her hands.

 

            “Wait, if the author’s dead, who’s writing this now?” Nabiki pointed out.

 

            “Oh, I didn’t kill him. Just mangled a bit.”

 

            “Ah.”

            The spectral woman, who we all know is Tsunami but none of the characters do, coughed to get everyone’s attention. “I am Tsunami, goddess of the people of Jurai.”

 

            “Uh-huh… and?”

 

            “Well, Ranma is a descendant of the crown prince of Jurai…” Tsunami muttered something else under her breath.

 

            “What was that?” Asked Akane.

 

            Nabiki answered, “I believe she just called the crown prince a ‘randy little bugger who should learn to keep it in his pants.’”

 

            “Ah. Well, not to be too cold or callous despite the way so many fanfic authors depict me, but how’s that going to help Ranma now? He’s kind of dead.”

 

            “Oh, he’s only mostly de-“ Tsunami screamed in frustration. “Forget this! I refuse to do this.” She waved her hand and Ranma glowed for a moment before standing up in perfect health… plus a couple of strange marks on his forehead. “There, he’s alive. I’m leaving!”

 

            Ranma blinked and looked around. “Aww, man… and I was just about to finally get some peace and quiet.” Suddenly he looked up at a strange noise coming towards him. His eyes went wide and he froze in place.

 

            The Tendo sisters looked to see what he was staring at and they also froze. I mean, after all, how many runaway freight trains do you see rolling down the street with a giant ‘Hello Kitty’ mask on the front? A second or two or three… the author REALLY has no sense of timing, so it could have been upwards of ten minutes or so, the train slammed into Ranma, reducing him to a fine red paste.

 

            “Oh no! He’s dead!” Akane paused for a moment. “Again.”

 

            Suddenly Genma was standing beside them. “Actually, no he isn’t. No mere runaway freight train with a Hello Kitty mask on the front can kill a true were-panda.”

 

            The three Tendos just stared at him for a few moments before looking back at where the thin paste was slowly regenerating into a Ranma-shaped panda-man. Unfortunately, it was going really slow, so everyone got themselves occupied with something else.

 

            Nabiki started sharpening her nails. After all, it was easier to gouge people with sharp fingernails. Kasumi checked over her outfit, making sure that there wasn’t a single wrinkle or speck of dirt anywhere on her. She had a reputation to maintain, after all. And Akane was sorting through all of her mallets. Big, small, medium, and then there was that one for late at… well, we’ll just get back to Ranma now.

 

            “What is this?!” The now regenerated Saotome asked no one in general.

 

            “Like your father, you are a were-panda,” no one in general answered.

 

            “Oh.” Suddenly a bamboo-shaped silver arrow came flying from the shadows to pierce Ranma’s newly regenerated half-were-panda/half-Juraian heart. Ranma again hit the pavement.

 

            “Oh no!” Akane started but stopped as everyone looked at her. “Yeah, yeah… Next time, I’ll tell him.”

 

            “That would be now,” Nodoka said as she suddenly appeared carrying a large umbrella.

 

            “Huh?”

 

            Suddenly Ranma stood up. His eyes glowed red and he had huge fangs. “Faf if fis?”

 

            “Don’t talk with your fangs out, dear. It isn’t manly. You see, I am actually a vampire, and, despite the fact that vampires have no heartbeat, no life signs, and therefore should be unable to get pregnant, I fell in love and had a child by Genma. That is you. You are a vampire as well.”

 

            “What are you tal- OW!” Suddenly Ranma burst into flames. His mother may have been hiding under an umbrella, but he was not. “Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”

 

            Akane growled deeply. “Oh, for crying out… that’s it, I’m making sure this won’t happen again.” Stepping forward she pulled a flesh-colored patch off her forehead, revealing a third eye. She grabbed the flaming Ranma by the shoulders and sucked his soul into her third eye. “I’m a Sanjiyan who has been hiding out, pretending to be one of the Tendo sisters in order to avoid my enemies. And now you’re a Wu and can’t die unless I do. Now, Ranma, I can tell you something very important.”

 

            Ranma blinked and held up a mirror that appeared out of nowhere. On his forehead was the symbol for a Wu, and it was currently in the middle of a fistfight (despite the fact that neither one had fists) with the markings Tsunami had given him. He also noticed that he was still on fire, and it still really hurt, but at least he was regenerating fast enough to not die now. Looking up, he noticed something.

 

            “Uh, Akane…”

 

            “Yes, Ranma?”

 

            “You’re on fire.”

 

            “Wha- OW OW OW OW OW OW!” Akane ran around screaming until the flames consumed her and left behind a rather smelly corpse.

 

            “Oh, thank heaven I get to die finally. Peace and quiet, here I come!” Ranma began dancing happily as he waited for death to claim him.

 

            “I don’t think so,” a woman’s voice commented from behind. Everyone turned to see an attractive blonde woman with weird marks on her face hovering in midair. “No grandkid of the First Class Demon Mara is going to die that pathetic a death.”

 

            Suddenly slash marks appeared on Ranma’s cheeks and forehead. These, too, began fighting the other symbols for dominance. “Oh, for crying out…”

 

            “I don’t think so, demon! And what do you mean, YOUR grandkid? He’s MY grandkid!” Everyone turned to see a dark haired woman in skimpy clothes also hovering in midair. On her face were odd marks, and she held a rose in her hand. “Peorth, Goddess First Class, at your service.”

 

            More symbols appeared on Ranma’s face and the brawl turned into an outright war. Just when things couldn’t get any worse, a stream of cold beer came out of nowhere and hit him. Despite the fact that beer wasn’t actually water, it triggered his curse anyway. Suddenly another strange woman appeared in their midst. She was wearing a really tiny skirt and held a long, key-like staff. She had black hair and red eyes, but that only was for a moment before the anime influence gave her green hair. “I am Sailor Pluto. And you, young lady, are the reincarnation of Sailor Saturn.”

 

            Yet another mark appeared, the symbol for Saturn. Ranma was REALLY getting a headache from all of the fighting going on where his face used to be.

 

            “You are the bringer of Silence, destruction, and other nasty stuff we could really do without. So, now I have to kill you.”

 

            “Oh, bugger.”

 

            “YOU SAID IT.”

 

            Ranma turned to see a tall skeletal figure in a black cloak and carrying a scythe. “Who are you?”

 

            “DEATH.”

 

            “You here for me?”

            “SORT OF. I NEED A REPLACEMENT WHILE I GO ON VACATION. YOU’RE IT.” Suddenly Ranma was clothed the same as Death had been. Now, however, the skeleton was wearing sunglasses, Bermuda shorts and a really bright shirt. “ALOHA.”

 

            Ranma turned to face the author. “That’s it! You die! Get back here you little…”