Oh! My Goddess! Oh! My Demon! Oh! My Ranma!
First: In this AU Omake, Tendo never trained with Happosai. Genma suffered alone (can’t say he didn’t deserve it) under the pervert’s rule.
Second: This is currently a one-shot, but I am giving serious thought to making a mini-series out of it. So be prepared.
Whimpering softly to himself as he wrapped a bandage around his hand, Genma Saotome cast a secret glare at the back of his master, Happosai. The old pervert had forced him to donate his blood for the ritual that he was just finishing up. ‘Why oh why do I suffer so? If only I’d had a friend to help ease the pain. *1’
Elsewhere in Japan, a young man sneezed and wondered if he was catching a cold.
Genma’s attention was suddenly drawn to the center of the ritual circle where a cloud of smoke was billowing up from the ground. A few moments later it formed into the body of a rather striking woman. She wore exotic, leathery clothes that covered just enough in all of the right places. She was blonde, which threw Genma off somewhat, but it was the slash-like markings on her face that grabbed most of his attention. He remembered from the book that he had read with Happosai that they marked her as a First Class Demon. With a gulp, Genma tried to suppress the fear he felt building up inside.
“Okay, I’m here. What do you want? Make it quick, I’ve got another job I’m working-”
The demon was cut off as a small, humanoid projectile plowed into her rather ample assets with a cry of “SWEETO!” The demon, for her part, looked rather surprised and nonplussed for a moment before her indignation kicked in.
A vicious smirk appeared on her face. “Since you broke the circle, that means I get to do whatever I want to you, you little pervert. So I think I’ll just-”
Happosai looked up with an equally vicious smirk on his face as he interrupted her. “Do exactly what I tell you to do. You see, I did some research on you…” He pulled out a necklace that held a good luck charm. “You can’t do anything to me while I have this.” He motioned with one hand quickly before returning to groping her chest. “And the area is surrounded by other good luck charms. Now, gimme some sugar, baby!”
Genma watched as Mara struggled against his master without success. He leaned against one of the statues that the master had him steal for this event and sighed. ‘If only there was some way of getting free of him…’
“YOU LITTLE $#!^ If it weren’t for that necklace, I’d teach you the meaning of suffering!”
Opportunity didn’t knock on Genma’s door, it came down on his head like a 50-ton mallet. Without a moment’s hesitation, the rather rotund martial artist slipped into the forbidden technique he had recently developed. Fading from view, he waited patiently for the proper moment and struck. Moments later, he faded back into view with a certain necklace in his grasp. “Are you looking for this?”
Mara looked over at Genma and then back at Happosai, who was still nuzzling away at her chest. She was a bit miffed to see that her halter-top had been completely removed. One second later a rather flambéd pervert was lying comatose on the ground. Two seconds later a rather deep chasm had formed under him and he descended into the depths of the earth. As Mara closed the chasm she looked over towards her ‘savior’. “Thanks for the help.” It took her a moment to realize just where Genma’s gaze was resting. “Oh, for crying out loud…” She folded her arms over her chest and growled to get Genma’s attention. “Well now, what should I do about you?”
Genma gulped and began to wonder if getting rid of his former master had been worth the cost.
“Hmm… well, I was brought here to grant a wish… and it was your blood used in the pact… and you did help me out… so, tell you what. You get rid of those other statues and I’ll grant you the wish that little freak was going to get.” Under her breath and at a very fast pace she continued, “The price of the wish being your immortal soul as well as at least a fifty-percent chance of the wish being corrupted in some manner that you could not foresee and will bring great misery to you but will still technically fulfill the terms of the agreement.”
Genma’s eyes widened. It was more than he could possibly dream of to be rid of both his master AND be given a free wish as well! He almost blurted out that he wanted tons of money, but a thought occurred to him. Demons had a reputation for tricky ways of fulfilling wishes… he had to think of something that either the demon would WANT to do or would be afraid of fulfilling in any way other than that which he had intended. Suddenly an idea occurred to him. He had just found out from his newlywed wife, Nodoka, that she had just given birth to his son. ‘If I make a wish for his benefit, I can always use that to make sure that the boy pays me my due when I want to retire. And if the wish backfires, HE can deal with the consequences.’ With a smile of pure joy… mixed with a heavy dose of greed, Genma spoke. “I wish for my son, who will be the greatest martial artist in the world, to have a powerful wife who won’t weaken him… like you.”
Sitting alone in her home with her newborn son, Nodoka Saotome sighed both with contentment and sadness. It was so lonely without her husband around and they had recently moved to Nerima so she didn’t know many of the neighbors. The fact that she was only twenty and already a mother didn’t help matters much. She desperately wished that someone could come and spend some time with her.
The child, Ranma, began to cry again and Nodoka wanted to yank her hair out in frustration. She didn’t really know why he kept crying like that. She had tried all of the classic remedies: strolling through the park, rocking back and forth, feeding, burping, checking the diaper, etc. Nothing had helped. In desperation she resolved to swallow her pride and call her mother for help.
“Thank you for calling the Earth Assistance Center.” Nodoka blinked at the strange woman’s voice on the phone. “I’ll be down there in a moment to handle your call.”
Nodoka blinked again as the dial tone kicked in on the phone. She blinked again when a camera, which was sitting on a cabinet, suddenly emitted a cone of light and a rather attractive woman emerged from the lens. Nodoka watched as the woman drifted down to land next to her. She had reddish-brown hair, deep brown eyes, and diamond - shaped markings on her forehead and cheeks. Her clothing was a bit more revealing than Nodoka would have thought proper on a woman, but at the same time it looked very appropriate on her visitor.
“Greetings, mon chere, I am Peorth, Goddess First Class. I’m here to grant you your heart’s desire.”
Nodoka blinked again, at which point Peorth handed her a bottle of Visine. She stared numbly at the object. “This is my heart’s desire?”
Peorth felt a sweatdrop forming. “Uh, no. You just seem to be blinking a lot and I thought some eye drops might help.”
“Oh, thank you.” Something occurred to Nodoka at that point. “I’m being terribly rude, forgive me.” She bowed deeply. “I am Nodoka Saotome and please be welcome in my home.”
Peorth bowed back with a smile. “It’s my pleasure. So, what wish can I fulfill for you?”
Nodoka’s mind swam with possibilities. Peorth, who was reading her mind at the time, started to develop a bit of a headache from all the ideas running around in there. After a while, Nodoka shook her head with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time deciding. Are you in a rush for an answer?”
Peorth shook her head. “I’ve got a pretty much clear calendar for today. Just some minor systems work later tonight.”
“Well, would it bother you terribly if I were to ask you to stay and visit with me for a while?” She motioned to Ranma, whom she was still holding in her arms. “I’m pretty lonely right now, and I would appreciate some company that can talk back.”
Peorth started to object, but a question occurred to her. “Where’s your husband?”
With a sigh, Nodoka told her about Genma’s training. The story made Peorth decide to stay, and for several hours the two women *2 chatted about everything and nothing. Nodoka told her about how she and Genma met and were married while Peorth told her about some of the ways in which Heaven had changed over the centuries. Partway through their visit, Nodoka realized that Ranma had fallen silent from the moment Peorth had shown up and he had stayed that way the entire time. Realizing that she was being awfully selfish keeping a Goddess tied up, she finally informed Peorth that she was ready for her wish. “I wish that my son, who will be a man amongst men, will have an elegant, charming, beautiful wife who will be able to provide him with many wonderful children and care for him through thick and thin… like you.”
A strange sight would have greeted anyone who had been wandering through a particular forest on a particular day. Unfortunately, no one was. That didn’t change the fact that a tall, sensual, platinum-haired, bronze-skinned woman was currently griping and grumbling as she tried to stand up while fighting a rather severe hangover.
“Where on Earth am I now?”
Elsewhere in Japan, a four-year-old boy sneezed.
When no answer was forthcoming, the woman, who was in fact the Goddess (Second Class) Urd, decided to try standing again. Discovering that the forest floor was heading straight for her face, she decided that standing was a bad idea. “How did I get out here?” Looking over, she noticed a small, broken, portable television set. “Note to self: No teleporting while drunk.”
Suddenly a noise caught her attention. It was the unique sound of a cat in fear. The strange thing about this particular cry was the fact that it didn’t quite sound like a cat. More like a person imitating a cat, though rather well she had to admit. Trying to stand again and with nothing better to do until she could shake off her headache, she made her way to the source of the crying.
What she saw would stay with her for the rest of her life.
Covered in scratches, mud, blood, and things that Urd just didn’t want to recognize was a four-year-old boy. He was curled up next to a tree in a remarkably cat-like manner and was crying piteously. Forgetting her own pain, Urd literally flew to the boy’s side. She desperately wished for Belldandy’s presence. While Urd could perform some basic healing magic, Bell was far more competent at it. She gently lifted the boy into her lap and performed what limited healing she could. The worst of the cuts vanished and the child’s cries slowly drifted off as he curled up into a ball and pressed himself against her.
Urd stroked her hand through his hair as tears came to her eyes. “How did this happen to you?” She felt a moment of relief when she realized that the boy had fallen asleep. Concentrating her power, she began to probe his mind to try and find out just what had put him in his current condition. She barely kept herself from screaming when the mental image of dozens of claws and teeth assaulted her. Pulling herself back she managed to keep a grip on her own sanity and figure out at least a little of what happened. “But cats don’t band together like that. How did you get attacked by so many?”
Realizing that she couldn’t really expect an answer from the child in his condition, she settled for merely holding him like he was and stroking his head soothingly. After almost an hour, the child stirred in her lap and slowly sat up. One look in his eyes told her that he was sane again.
The boy blinked at her a few times before responding. “’lo.” Urd was caught completely off guard by his next few words. “Are you an angel?”
“Why would you think I’m an angel?”
“’Cuz only an angel can be as pretty as you, an’ you saved me from the c-c-c-c-c…”
Urd blinked in surprise before a smile found its way to her face. “I’m not an angel, kiddo. I’m a Goddess.”
Deciding to humor the boy, she called forth her angel. The creature who appeared was a strange blending of Heaven and Hell. One wing was feathery and white, the other was leathery and black. Her appearance used to bother Urd, so much so that she had sealed the angel away for a long time. However, she had recently reunited with her companion and couldn’t imagine being without her again. “This is my angel. Her name is World of Elegance. And I’m Urd.”
The boy smiled at the angel, who smiled back. “She’s pretty.” Moving off of Urd’s lap, the boy bowed to them both. “I’m Ranma Saotome.” A sad look fell over Ranma’s face, which confused both angel and Goddess.
“What’s wrong, Ranma?”
“I… I wish I had an angel like you. Then I wouldn’t be alone ever again.”
Urd and her angel both felt their hearts go out to the boy. “Sorry, kiddo… I just can’t grant you a wish. I’m not on duty right now and I’m not authorized to do it.” At Ranma’s confused and saddened glance, she continued, “But I wouldn’t mind staying with you for a while. You want to play some games?”
Ranma nodded vigorously and for the next few hours they played everything from Tag to Tic-Tac-Toe. Urd and her angel both took turns flying Ranma around as well. However, when the sun started to go down, Ranma stopped.
“I gotta go back to my pops now.”
Urd smiled sadly. It had been fun playing with Ranma. It reminded her of the time she’d been stuck in a kid’s body and spent the time hanging around with another young boy. “It was fun.”
“But I don’t wanna leave ya.”
Urd’s smile brightened a bit. “Don’t worry. We’ll see each other again.”
“Are you sure? Wh-wh-what if the c-c-c-cats come for me?”
Urd’s smile turned into a frown for a moment. ‘I am definitely going to have to put some research into these cats…’ She smiled again to keep from worrying Ranma. “How about this: I’ll always be there when you need me.”
Ranma smiled happily. “Do ya promise?”
Without thinking things through, Urd nodded. “You bet.”
Ranma gave her a great, big hug before running away. “See ya, Urd!”
“See ya, kiddo.” Urd waved after him with a smile on her face. A few seconds later, however, she realized that she had just made a contract with a four-year-old boy… a completely and totally binding contract. A contract that was pretty much on the same level as a wish. A wish that she was not authorized to give. “Oops…”
The Gambling King just couldn’t figure out what was going wrong! Every time he tried to cheat the two little brats in front of him, they’d win! Even when he used the cards that were all Old Maids, when one of the kids flipped the cards over, they became something else. In the end, they had won all the money that the King had taken from the other kids, as well as a bit more.
As the strange figure of the Gambling King stormed away, he never noticed the little Laplacian Demon's Stone sitting on his rather strange hat.
“You did it, Ranchan! You’re the best!” The little girl who had been competing shouted joyfully.
“Aww, it was nuthin’, Ucchan,”
Urd stormed down the road while dragging a rather scorched-looking Genma behind her. Ranma skipped along merrily beside her as the Goddess pulled an okonomiyaki cart behind her.
“Cool! I get ta see Ucchan again!”
Urd grumbled something unintelligible under her breath as she stopped next to a girl who was kneeling in the road. She was wearing a chef’s outfit and crying loudly. Urd knelt picked her up and carried her along. A few moments later they found an angry looking man sitting next to the road. When he saw the motley crew approaching, he jumped to his feet.
Urd swung Genma around and planted him in front of the man. “I think you’ve got some explaining to do, Genma.”
Near the Arctic Circle, a rather badly scorched Genma was running for his life from an irate Urd, who was calling down lightning on the man. A short distance away, World of Elegance was warming up a nearly frozen nine-year-old Ranma. After a few moments, the angel and Goddess switched places.
“What did you think you were doing, bringing him here, you idiot!” Urd yelled at Genma as he ran by.
“The Vikings were supposed to be great warriors! I wanted to test the boy
“THEY’RE ALL IN VALHALLA!”
“I know that, woman! I just thought that was somewhere in the Arctic Circle!”
“IT’S THE AFTERLIFE, YOU IDIOT!”
Genma slowly crept his way through the nuclear power plant. In his arms he clutched a precious cargo, a rare, three-foot-long tarantula that he had ‘acquired’. He was only a few steps away from the door that led to the core and the completion of his master plan.
“And just WHERE do you think you’re going?” A familiar voice echoed in the darkness.
“If I can get this spider infused with radioactivity and then make it bite the boy, he’ll gain incredible strength, speed, and endurance!”
Five seconds later, Genma was running for his life again as a long series of lightning bolts impacted the ground right behind him. Urd followed not too long after that.
Neither noticed the nine-foot-long spider made it’s way out of the plant, glowing green and growing at a rather alarming rate.
“Genma, WHAT are you doing in Egypt?”
“I’m trying to find the Book of Ra… whoever reads from it can gain incredible power.” ‘And it’s made of gold, so I can sell it for a fortune later.’
“Genma… you’re a moron.”
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?!?!”
“If the boy can swallow a live scorpion, he’ll gain the power of the Scorpion King and then he’ll be unstopable!”
“NO HE WON’T! QUIT WATCHING THOSE MOVIES, YOU MORON!”
“I’m just teaching the boy the Drunken Fist! It’s an incredible fighting technique! Just look at how well that Jackie guy does!”
“Genma, what did I tell you about getting lame-ass ideas from movies? This has GOT to be the dumbest… well… on second thought…” Urd looked at a fifteen-year-old Ranma who was currently passed out from alcohol. “Hmmm… maybe…” Suddenly, thunder rumbled in the distance. “All right, all right… Genma, no.”
At a certain temple in a certain part of Japan, Urd was watching her favorite television show. She was also working on a list of the various torture techniques she would use on Genma if her demonic half ever gained control again. Suddenly a small alarm started going off. “GENMA!”
In another part of the temple, Keiichi, Belldandy, and Skuld all sighed. “Well, Urd won’t be joining us for dinner again…”
Nodoka looked at the postcard in her hands.
‘Nodoka, Bringing Ranma from China. Genma.’
The middle-aged woman felt tears welling up in her eyes. “Ranma’s coming home!” She ran for her dresser and dug around for a moment before finally locating what she wanted. The business card she now held was covered in elegant script. “At long last!” She hurried towards the phone in the hallway. “My wish will be fulfilled!”
Genma frowned for a moment. He was standing at the outskirts of Nerima and something was bugging him. He thrust his hands into his pockets to think and his fingers brushed against a long-forgotten object. Pulling it out, he saw the business card that was covered in fiery writing. “Ah, yes… at last!” He hurried towards a nearby public phone. “My wish will be fulfilled!”
Ranma squirmed a little as he sat on the couch. His mother had smothered him ever since he came home. While he was very glad to finally see her again, he also happened to like breathing. It was only when she had said she had to go get his ‘Welcome Home’ surprise that he had finally gotten a break. Said break ended when he heard her footsteps coming down the stairs. What he saw when he turned around nearly floored him.
“Ranma, I have someone I want you to meet. This is Peorth, your fiancé!”
Ranma’s brain instantly hit shutdown mode, but his eyes stayed wide open as he looked at his wife-to-be-not-if-he-has-anything-to-say-about-it.
Genma was not happy, but he was prevented from responding by the sound of the doorbell ringing. Getting up to answer it, he returned a moment later with a tall, blonde woman behind him. “Ranma, this is Mara, your betrothed.”
This time nothing could stop the complete shutdown of Ranma’s mental faculties. When he came to, he was surprised to see the face of the one person he knew he could completely trust.
“Urd, I just had the weirdest dream…”
The Goddess looked distinctly nervous. “Uh, yeah. I’ve, uh… got two things to tell you, Ranma. First, it wasn’t a dream.” Urd waited for that nugget of joy to sink in before continuing. “And two, you remember Ucchan? She’s coming to town.”
On a hill over Nerima, a purple-haired warrior gazed down on the city. The Amazon was a bit surprised by the sheer amount of suffering that was held in the strange cry she had just heard, but she quickly put it out of her mind. “Ranma! Shampoo find you soon!”
*1 - Aww, doesn’t your heart just bleed for him? (sarcasm)
*2 - Well, woman and goddess.
AN: Two things: One: Nodoka may seem to accept Peorth as a Goddess rather quickly. However, one should note that Nodoka had just seen the woman emerge from a camera. That’s kinda a giveaway that the lady is not human. And Two: Peorth may seem a little too friendly. I don’t think that’s true. She wouldn’t be working on the help-line if she weren’t caring, at least in my opinion. And I think she’d spend a little bit of time with a young mother left alone by her husband, as long as she had nothing else to do at the time.