Drunken Encounters of the Third Kind

By: James Thomas


Author’s Notes:  I should say ‘Author’s Warning’, but anyway…  This spamfic is a total ripoff of a work by Psychosama.  My hope is that he reads this and gets so disgusted that he has to write more on his story just to get the vile and putrid taste out of his mouth.  The reason why this spamfic is total tripe is that I have taken two things that I like (Ranma ½ and Sailor Moon) and combined it with something I utterly detest (Highlander 2).  As far as I’m concerned there can be only one Highlander movie, and so this work is piece of crap that is meant to motivate someone to do better.  Still want to read it?  You sick bastard!  On with the show…


             Meiou Setsuna was dressed to kill.  She was wearing one of the skimpiest outfits she owned, the only thing that covered less leg was her sailor fuku.  She had on a black spaghetti strap top that barely covered her trim stomach and a mini-skirt that just barely covered her ass.  She had opted to leave the stiletto heels at home; after all, she didn’t want to look too easy.  Her lustrous green hair hung loose down her back and swayed back and forth with her hips as she walked.  She was causing nosebleeds in young boys as she strolled down toward the local tavern. 


The guardian of the time gates was on a mission.  There was only one thing that made her duties as a senshi and guardian of the gates of time tolerable:  being able to go out every now and then and get laid.  After all, nothing relieves stress, tension, and frustration more than a little bedroom romp every now and then.


She wished that she could have a more permanent relationship, but, when you’re immortal, it’s hard.  It’s really rough on the psyche to watch your loved ones grow old and die.  So, it’s best to avoid the whole thing and only go for a night of unrestrained sex rather than look for a permanent solution.


She walked into the room looking for a victim.  In her mind she was going over the qualifications for tonight’s prey.  First of all, good looking was on the bill.  Even though beauty is only a light switch away, the sun DOES eventually come up.  Second was decently muscled.  Well muscled would be great, but she didn’t want to push her luck.  Finally, she was looking for a shy and/or depressed person.  There was an almost sick desperation to men like that to please their partners as much as possible.  After all, the possibility of a second chance was very little to begin with, and a poor performance out of the gates sealed their fates for the rest of their lives.  So, all she had to do was find someone who met at least two of these criteria, and take him back to the hotel room she had rented.  Lord knows she couldn’t take a man home.  She didn’t want to expose poor Hotaru to her passionate screams and wails.  She knew she was a screamer, that’s why she used to take her dates to the Gates of Time back in the Silver Millennium.


Walking into the bar pulled almost every set of eyes in the place to her figure.  She looked at all the faces to check and see how many of them actually traveled higher than her bosom.  So far no one had even seen her face.


Over on the end of the bar, she found her likely target.  He was handsome with an almost cherub-like face.  His body was built.  She would have taken as low as ‘some muscle tone’, but, by the looks of his Chinese shirt, he was in the ‘uncontrollable drool tone’ class.  His loose black slacks matched his long hair that was tied into a braided ponytail that hung down to the small of his back.  She could tell that she didn’t have much hair length advantage on him.  Finally, he was slowly nursing a beer with a sad/lonely look on his face.


All in all, he fit the bill perfectly with only one problem; he wasn’t looking at her.  Hell, he hadn’t even looked up when she came in, but somehow she knew that he felt her presence.  She could never tell anyone why, but something inside of her told him that this man was always aware of his surroundings, even in his drunken state.


She sat down next to him and ordered her drink, Jack and Coke…easy on the Coke.  Once she had the drink well in hand she turned her head to the man beside her, giving him her most winning smile.  “Hello, there.”


“‘Lo,” came his not-so-enthusiastic response.


This is going to be harder than I thought.  She leaned over toward him with one arm on the bar, exposing more of her ample cleavage.  “I’m Setsuna, what’s you name?”


“Ranma.”  His still dead voice responded.


Her eyebrow twitched a little.  This was going to be one tough nut to crack.  She put on her smile again.  “So what are we drinking to tonight?”


He turned to her.  “Why are you acting like this?  I can tell this isn’t the usual way you act by your mannerisms.  I can tell you’re really a refined lady by the way you walk; the way you’re exaggerating your hip movements is forced.  Why don’t you drop the facade?”


Setsuna was shocked.  This man was good.  She toned back her smile to an honest expression.  “Sometimes I like to step out of character.  It’s a good way to relieve stress and boredom.  So you’re used to being around ladies of refinement?”


“I’ve known one or two in my day.”  He took another drink.


“So what are we drinking to tonight?”  She asked casually.


He snorted.  “The anniversary of my wife’s death.”


She looked down and noticed the tarnished wedding band on his left ring finger.  Her face became sympathetic.  “I’m sorry.  How did she die?”


“Old age.”


She smirked.  So he likes older women.  Wait until he finds out how old I am.  “You like more mature women?”


“She was young when we married.”


The wheels started turning in her mind.  “How could that be?”


“It’s a long story.”  He deadpanned.


“I’ve got all the time in the universe.”


“It’s a pretty fantastic story, you won’t believe it.”


She thought back to some of her recent adventures with the Sailor Senshi.  “Try me.”


“Okay, we’ll start with this:  Would you believe that once upon a time I used to turn into a girl when splashed with cold water?”  He took another drink.


Setsuna’s eyebrow went up.  “Jusenkyo?”


Finally, she got a reaction out of him.  He turned to face her with a mildly shocked expression on his face.  “You’ve heard of it?”


She gave him a warm smile, on the side of arrogance, but still sexy.  “I’m full of surprises.  You might say I could win a fortune on Jeopardy.”


He chuckled a bit at that.  Either she was finally chipping away at his hard exterior, or the alcohol was getting to him.  Of course she didn’t know how long he had been sitting here.  He could have been polishing off his second keg for all she knew.


Ranma absently ran his hands through his hair and flipped his braid up, causing it to flick similar to a whip.  “Well, it all started when I was around five years old, and pops took me on a training journey…”




Setsuna’s mind was whirling, and she hadn’t even touched her drink yet.  This guy’s chaotic life made her’s seem trite and boring.  She wouldn’t mention that most of her life was boring.  There were too many years past of staring at a damn gate and twiddling her thumbs at lightening speeds.


She finally recovered enough to take a drink of her Jack and Coke.  The slightly sweetened whiskey helped settle her nerves enough to talk.  “So what happened after your wedding debacle?”


“First thing I did was go after the old letch.  Wrecking my wedding was one thing, hell, I expected that to happen, but drinking my cure?  That was unforgivable.  I was Pissed with a capital P.  I made his life a living hell to the extent that Nabiki commented that even she wouldn’t go that far.”  He had a self-satisfied look on his face as he took another drink.


“So what did you do?”  She wondered what hell would be for the demonic martial arts master.


“First I hired a bunch of cross dressers to walk around in skimpy outfits.  I made sure that whenever Happosai attacked that he wound up hitting their chests.  I kept him from touching any real female breasts for almost a month.  Then, when he was at his lowest, I took his entire collection of silky darlings and donated them to the local transvestite goodwill.  He terribly wanted to get them back, but he just couldn’t stand to touch them anymore.  Then of course there was the other hundred or so practical jokes I played on him.”


“So you got rid of him?”  She asked hopefully.


His expression turned severe.  “Nope.  All I did was make him mad enough to exact a terrible revenge on me.  He went back to Jusenkyo and sent back a cask.  He labeled it spring of drowned boy and wrote on it that this was his peace offering to me.”


“I take it, it wasn’t.”  She deadpanned.


“It was pool of drowned of drowned Zeist, tragic story of alien who drowned in pool and then walks out again…only to step into pool of drowned chicken and be eaten with a side of sweet and sour pork.”  Ranma rolled his eyes.  “It cured me of becoming a woman, but I had several other problems to replace it.”




“One, it was permanent.  He had stolen the Kaisufuu and Chiisuiton from Herb.  He mixed the water of the Chiisuiton in the cask and destroyed the Kaisufuu.”


“So what made this permanence bad?”


“It made me immortal and I couldn’t have kids.  He insured that I would be the last blood Saotome and that I would have to suffer my life forever.”  He took a long pull of his beer.  “The Amazons left because I couldn’t strengthen their tribe.  I tried to push Ukyou and Akane away.  Ukyou finally took the hint, but Akane stubbornly clung to my side”


“Was it that bad?”  She put a hand on his shoulder.


He chuckled.  “It was great.  We had a beautiful marriage, but then she got old, and eventually passed on.  There was no heir, no legacy, just an empty dojo with me on the side.”


A wave of sympathy went out from Setsuna to the man beside her as his face went toward depression again.  After a little bit he spoke again.  “And then my life returned to its typical chaos, except this time it was a bunch of people from all over the world that was trying to cut off my head.  I hate killing, but it was the only way to stop these guys.  And then, after I cut off their heads, there was a whole lightning show when their Chi flowed into me.  I absorbed all their power and abilities.  I was wandering around lost until this Scotsman told me about ‘The Gathering’ and all the stuff that goes along with being from Zeist. The whole thing just sucks.


He took a deep breath.  “So there’s my story.  I know you don’t believe me, so just leave now so I don’t have to hear you laugh at my pain.”  He started to point his head back down to stare at the bar.


Setsuna lifted his head back toward her face with a single finger.  “Have I got a story for you.”  She told him her story with a knowing smile.  By the end it was his turn to stare.


“You mean YOU’RE immortal?”  He gasped.


“Shhh!”  She hushed him.  “Not so loud.  We’re still in a public place you know.”


“That means…”  his eyes started to light up.


She smiled back a lusty smile back at him.  “We have a lot in common.”  She took out her cell phone and dialed.  After speaking a little bit she hung it back up.


“What was that about?”  He asked with a confused look on his face.


“Oh, just calling the hotel to cancel my reservation.”


“Why’s that?”


Her eyes narrowed into a predatory expression.  “I don’t need it.  I’m going to take you somewhere I haven’t taken a man in years.”


He smiled a lecherous grin back at her.  “And where’s that?”


“I’ll leave it as a surprise.”  She held up the rest of her drink.  “But first, let’s toast to the beginning of a loooong relationship.”


“Cheers.”  He tapped his glass to hers.




Later that night, a haggard couple was walking back toward the Outer House (the home of all the Outer Senshi).  They looked like they were the only thing holding each other up, their faces were soaked with sweat, and there were stains in their clothes that weren’t coming out any day soon.


Ranma smiled down toward Setsuna.  “So that’s what the Gates of Time look like.  Somehow I expected more.”


“Yeah, who would a thought it was chain link.”  She smirked back at him.  “How are your ears?”


He stuck the index finger of his free hand into his ear and turned it a bit.  “Still ringing.  That’s quite a set of lungs you have there.”




“And where the hell did all those positions come from?”


“I spent a LOT of time watching people.”


They both shared a warm smile as they walked up to the from gate of the house.  She looked up at him, still very cheerful.  “So are you coming in?”


“I thought you’d never ask.”


She tweaked his nose.  “Just remember, no fooling around with the child in the house.”


“No problem.  I wouldn’t want you to shatter your fine China either.”


The front door opened as they were stepping half way across the yard.  Haruka stepped out.  “Setsuna, where have you be…”


Ranma looked up as he felt ‘it’.


Faster than thought, Ranma had pulled Setsuna behind him with his left hand as his right had produced the Saotome family sword out of nowhere.  Meanwhile, Haruka had drawn the space sword.


The Senshi of Uranus shouted, “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!”