Burning Shinji

By: James Thomas

 

            A meeting of the minds was occurring deep within the bowels of the Earth.  Two men were gathered to discuss the fate of one poor boy, Shinji Ikari.

 

Voice 1:  How about if Shinji were raised by wolves?

 

Voice 2:  Hmmm…  That could work…

 

 

 

            Gendou stared down from the platform as Misato walked in.  “Have you the new pilot?”

 

            “Grrr!”  Rip!  Tear! Crash!

 

            Misato was trying to beat back the boy with an asp as she gradually lead him into the room.  “Down boy!  Heel!  Sit!”

 

            Fuyutsuki walked up behind Gendou.  “So this is the new pilot.  He seems rather…odd.”

 

            “Down Shinji!”  Misato yelled.  “GET OFF MY LEG!!!”

 

            The older man’s took on a look of disbelief.  “I see the mating instinct is strong with this one.”

 

            Gendou just nodded in agreement.

 

 

 

Voice 1:  On second thought, maybe we should think of something else.

 

Voice 2:  How about if Shinji was even MORE of a wimp?

 

 

 

            The entry plug slowly began to fill as Shinji looked on in horror.  “I hope this stuff is clean.”  He rasped out in a nasally voice.  “I’m very allergic to a lot of germs, and I’m concerned about what this stuff will do to my skin, lungs, and so forth.  Did I mention I’m very non-confrontational?”  Many other whiney pleadings came out of his mouth as the entry plug filled.  The bridge crew was having second thoughts about supplying the oxygen to the LCL fluid…

 

 

 

Voice 1:  Yeah, that idea would go real far.  Half the people at NERV would murder him.

 

Voice 2:  It was a thought.  Do you have anything better?

 

Voice 1:  Well, I was just thinking about how one of my friends ran her character in a D&D game…

 

 

 

            The access door opened and the Evangelion Unit 01 broke the surface of the main street of Tokyo-3.  It came to rest at the top of the gantry.

 

            “Okay, Shinji,”  Ritusuko’s voice came over the communications line.  “Just try walking.”

 

            “Hey, does this thing have any weapons?”  The boy asked from the entry plug.

 

            “Yes.”  A slightly confused Doctor responded.  “There is a progressive knife held in your right shoulder compartment.”

 

            “That’ll do.”

 

            “What?”  Was all that escaped from the blonde’s mouth as she looked on as Unit 01 drew it’s progressive knife and charged out and pounced on the angel, stabbing it repeatedly.

 

            The crew was slightly frightened from what was coming over the communications array.

 

            “Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Die!”

 

 

 

Voice 2:  Actually, I think that has some potential.

 

Voice 1:  Did you have any other ideas?

 

Voice 2:  How about if Shinji had proper role model…

 

 

 

            Asuka gritted her teeth as the angel closed on her.  She had used every gun at her disposal and it did her no good.  She couldn’t only look on in shocked paralysis as the angel descended into the Geofront.  White sheets unfolded where his arms should have been.  They shot forward and severed the arms off of Unit 02.  Asuka cried out in pain as she gripped her arms.

 

            The angel pulled in its ‘arms’ and lashed out once more.  The young German could only look on in horror as the flat weapon flew toward her head.  She knew that this would end it all.

 

            At the last instant, a gigantic rose fell from the heavens and severed the angel’s arm. Asuka looked up to see who her savior was.

 

            Above her stood Unit 01 with a large black cape and a white opera mask covering it’s eyes.  Oddly enough is also had a bowtie around its neck.

 

            “Beautiful young ladies are meant to be adored, not decapitated!”  The loudspeakers bellowed out.

 

            Asuka clasped her hands together.  “Tuxedo Eva!  You’ve come to save me!”

 

 

 

Voice 1:  STOP!  STOP!  STOP!  Hold that train up right there!  I don’t EVEN want to go there.

 

Voice 2:  But we could do a real romantic story…

 

Voice 1:  No way!

 

Voice 2:  How about if we throw in a tentacle monster?

 

Voice 1:  Tentacle monster?  Maybe…

 

Voice 2:  Well, did you have another idea?

 

Voice 1:  How about if we elaborate on your idea.  Shinji is the overfiend!

 

 

 

            Tokyo-3 was dark as Shinji harnessed his full power.  The Maya, Ritsuko, Misato, Asuka, and Rei were being brought forward…

 

 

 

Voice 2: Dude, I’m going to have to veto that one.  We’re still trying for family friendliness.

 

Voice 1:  Hey, you were the one that suggested a tentacle monster.

 

Voice 2:  I didn’t want to go full-blown hentai.  How about this, what if Shinji was the Dragon Reborn!

 

 

 

            Shinji sat in his Evangelion and stared down the third angel.  As they faced off, being in the Eva awoke a memory deep in his mind of a previous life.  He had a vision of a giant statue holding a crystal sphere and the power he had felt in a life several ages ago.  He suddenly had a revelation of who he was and what he was sitting in.  The EVA was another Great Angreal!

 

            The angel sent another eye blast his way which he deftly dodged using his memories of a lifetime before.  Shinji smirked.  “Now let’s see how your AT Field handles Balefire!”

 

            Unit 01 lifted its arm and pointed its finger at the angel.  A thin line of white light leapt from the outstretched digit and struck the monster.  Everyone in the control booth just stood there and blinked.

 

            Finally Misato numbly stabbed the radio send button.  “Good work, Shinji.  Go ahead and, uh, bring the EVA back in.”

 

            “But the POWER!!!”  He started to laugh maniacally as the Dark One’s taint took him…

 

 

 

Voice 1: If you move that fast, that will be a really short life for the people of Earth.

 

Voice 2:  We could still throw in a tentacle monster.

 

Voice 1:  Okay, we’ll keep that idea on the back burner.  Hey I’ve got one!

 

<Various other ideas insue>

 

Voice 1:  How about if someone in Neon Genesis Evangelion actually had a backbone?  Like it was just thrust upon them?

 

Voice 2:  What?  An injection of a spinal cord?  That would never work.

 

Voice 1:  Yeah, you’re right.  Forget I mentioned it…

 

            At that moment a higher power spoke.

 

            “BOYS GET UP HERE AND CLEAN UP FOR SUPPER!”

 

            The basement door opened to reveal two pimple faced twenty-somethings sitting in their basement in front of a computer.

 

            Voice 1: (in a whiney nasally voice) Ah, mom!  We haven’ t wrote our story yet!

 

            Mother:  I’m not letting you stay in that basement ‘til you’re thirty!  Get up here!

 

            Voice 1 and 2:  (subdued tone) Yes, mother…