Symptoms: You are trapped on an intergalactic space ship with five hormonally crazed magical girls, a guy who refuses to take off his tuxedo, a boy that gets lost on his way to the bathroom, a reincarnation of a galaxy destroying monster, and a ditzy galaxy police officer that happens to be your great-great-great-great-(you get the picture)-granddaughter is currently your pilot.
Probable Cause: You are in hell.
Solution 1: Kill them all.
Repercussions: No allies in the upcoming battle with an unknown foe at the coming destination, and you would have a hard time explaining what happened to them when you meet up with your other allies.
Solution 2: Expose them all to sleeping gas.
Repercussions: Allies would likely turn on you when aforementioned battle was over. This would really crimp your plans of getting any sleep until you defeat Kagato and return to Earth.
Solution 3: Pull hair out and scream in frustration.
Repercussions: Nothing will change about the situation, but you will feel a little better.
Washu screamed out as she sat in the cockpit of the Galaxy Police cruiser. This trip was driving her up the wall. It started out simple enough, a few magical girls, a magical man (he hated it when she called him that, but what can you expect from a man who fights with roses?), a wandering martial artist, and the reincarnated Majin Buu, their ace in the hole and primary weapon on this mission.
Then the problems started. The girls wanted to keep their ‘secret identities’, so they didn’t detransform. That started the problem with Ryoga, who started spouting blood out of his nose like Old Faithful. Then Tuxedo Kamen decided to keep his, although all the girls were compromised. Mihoshi, at that point, had decided that she wanted to try his mask on. So much for that identity… Unfortunately, Kamen had not had the sense to bring along a change of clothes, so he couldn’t transform back because those clothes would get dirty eventually, unlike the magical garb of his costume.
The super-genius of the universe thought that her problems would be over at that point, but no, it was not to be. Mihoshi had decided to take a small side trip to an intergalactic karaoke bar. They had enjoyed themselves (Washu was ashamed to admit to herself), but thanks to the blonde’s meddling, they were a week behind schedule for the coordinated strike.
She shook her head and decided to go back in to the cabin to check on the other passengers. She found the herd of teenagers in the ship’s lounge, which Mihoshi had made into her own living room complete with couches and TV. Washu looked around and surveyed each of them in turn.
Tsukino Usagi, Sailor Moon. She was the reincarnation of the Princess Serenity of the long deposed Northern Moon Kingdom. Granted they had only learned recently that there was a direction associated with their name. Unfortunately, Washu had been an unintended guest of Kagato while Beryl was making her move on the kingdom. She was sorry that she couldn’t have done anything to help them. The girl herself was an enigma. How in the world could one girl be so ditzy/clutzy/hair brained and command such respect and loyalty from her friends?
Next to her was her boyfriend Mamoru Chiba, Tuxedo Kamen. He was still a little bent out of shape at being stuck wearing his tux until they ran into a planet with decent clothes. The first time that Mihoshi had got them lost on this trip they had tried to find him something else to wear. Let’s just say that the people of that planet had very little shame about exposed genitalia. He opted to keep the tux on instead. The only thing that kept him from being a total pain was the fact that he spent most of his time keeping the peace between Usagi and Rei.
Hino Rei, temple priestess and part-time magical girl, there was a piece of work. If she wasn’t squabbling with her princess about the blonde’s shortcomings, she was complaining about the lecherous older martial artist that was still hounding her. Sometimes a restraining order simply wasn’t enough. She had had several opportunities to use what Akane had taught her on that man. Washu couldn’t believe how much temper could be held in such a relatively small container. It was very apt that she was the Senshi of fire.
Sitting silently across the room from the argument was Kino Makoto. She was yet another one of Ranma’s admirers. You’d think the boy had set up some sort of franchise with the amount of women that were after him. This one was tall with long brown hair done up in a ponytail. She had fought tooth and nail to try to get on Ranma’s ship, but to no avail. Ranma had told her (in many uncertain words) that two unwanted admirers were enough for that ship. She had pouted a lot, in fact she still was. If the room hadn’t been filled with argument you could have heard her whisper, “Ranma…”
On the other side of the room sat another member of the Sailor Senshi and her boyfriend. The dark skinned man with the brown mohawk smiled a loving smile down at the small blonde as she cuddled up next to him and cat napped. She was Aino Minako, a.k.a. Sailor Venus, the self-proclaimed Sailor of love. He was the reincarnation of the planet eater, Majin Buu. That in itself gave Washu reason for worry. Luckily the pair were easy enough to keep under control as long as they were together. Separating them was like throwing gasoline on a house fire when the firemen are trying to put it out.
Washu looked around for her far removed relative. She found the Galaxy Police detective sitting quietly rapt in her television program. That was a relief for the scientist. As useful as the girl was at times, the times of wanton destruction far outweighed those times. She wished that she could have left the ditzy detective at home and borrowed her ship. Unfortunately, the shipped was keyed only to listen to her. Washu’s only hope was that she could keep the damage to a medium.
The redheaded scientist looked around again. There was one of the Senshi missing, which was no surprise. The girl was a little shy and was probably keeping up with her studies (something Washu could respect). What worried her was that the wandering martial artist wasn’t in the room. “Has anyone seen Ryoga?” She asked.
The others turned to face her with blank looks on their faces. Usagi looked around. “He was just here.”
“I think he went to the restroom.” Uub added, trying to helpful.
Washu slapped a hand over her face. “And no one went with him? There’s no telling where he is now! We’ve got to find him!”
“Don’t worry.” Rei spoke in an unworried tone. “He can’t go far on this spaceship.”
Washu grabbed a lock of her long hair and pulled. “What you seem to forget child is that he has a tendency to punch through wall that get in his way. What would happen if he were to run into the ship’s power core, hmm? That would leave us dead in space and all our plans would be for naught. Hence…” She took a deep breath. “WE HAVE TO GO FIND HIM!!!”
Everyone else in the room jumped up about a foot before falling down in a sprawl of arms and legs. Everyone, that is, except for Mihoshi who just looked up from her TV briefly. “Should I go look for him too?”
“NO!” Washu shouted. She took a calming breath and spoke again. “No, that won’t be necessary.” She turned to Makoto and whispered. “Make sure she doesn’t move from that spot until we’ve found the lost boy.”
The brunette shrugged and whispered back. “Okay.”
Washu turned back to the rest of the occupants of the room. “I’m going to check aft. The rest of you spread out and check forward.” They all gave her blank stares. She slapped her forehead. “I’m going this way.” She pointed toward the rear of the ship. “The rest of you check all the rooms on the way to the cockpit.”
They all nodded in comprehension and leapt into action. Unfortunately some are more talented at jumping up than others. In her attempt to standup, Usagi was thwarted by gravity. She tripped over her own feet and, with flailing arms, managed to bring down Mars, Venus, and Mamoru.
Washu just groaned and left to check the aft end of the ship. She rubbed her temples as she made her way back to the engine room. Why couldn’t I have gone with Tenchi? Hell, I’d have gone with Yosho over this. Too bad I’ve got an overdeveloped romantic streak and didn’t want to interfere with Pan and his ‘honeymoon’. The small redhead smiled when she remembered the send off and the glower of death that Pan had given her for that comment. Hopefully, Yosho will show her his true form before she gets too hurt.
She mused on that and a few other subjects as she walked. At last she came to the engine room’s enormous steel hatch. She turned the handle and entered the room. At the back of the room was the fusion drive of the spacecraft, all in working order thankfully. After walking a little, she found that someone was indeed there, just not the lost boy she was looking for.
Situated in a corner of the room, was Mizuno Ami, sitting on a blanket, leaning her back to one of the bulkheads. She was reading intently until she noticed that Washu had entered. She looked up and welcomed the genius with a smile. “Hello, Washu-Chan. How are you today?”
Washu couldn’t help but smile at the girl. She could see so much of herself in this young earth girl. All of the sudden her pleasant thoughts were interrupted by the current situation. “Not doing to well at all. Ryoga got loose again. We’ve got to find him before he destroys an outer wall.”
Ami calmly laid her book aside and turned a pleasant smile toward the redhead. “It will be all right. You don’t have to chase after him. He’ll turn up like he always does.” She pointed at a pillow lying near her. “Have a seat. You look like you’re very stressed out.”
“We have to find him before he destroys something!” Washu nearly shouted in exasperation.
The blue-haired shook her head. “He destroyed one thing, and you mark him for life. You said it wasn’t an important experiment, so there was no harm done, right? Why don’t you have a seat and we can talk about what’s really bothering you.”
Washu sighed as she finally gave into the gentle girl. She plopped down on the pillow and leaned against another bulkhead looking toward the Senshi of Mercury. “I just have one question: How do you put up with those girls?”
“Oh that.” Ami giggled into her hand a moment. “They’re not that bad. They do have some childish habits, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. We’ve been through a lot and I’d have a hard time finding any truer friends. Just give them a chance and they’ll grow on you.”
Washu raised an eyebrow at that. “Is that like a fungal growth or viral? I’ll need that information if I’m to come up with a repellent or cleanser.”
The younger girl outright laughed at that one. “You’re very funny, Washu-Chan.”
The redhead smiled. “It helps to keep my sanity. Kami knows I need some method with your friends.” She muttered the last sentence under her breath.
Ami tilted her head to the side in an inquisitive look. “Surely you have seen their like before. You were a college teacher, right?”
“I was a researcher at the Galactic Science Academy.” Washu’s face had a far off look to it. “I taught a little, but I mostly did my research. I might not have been the greatest teacher, but I was and still am the greatest scientist that ever lived.” She smiled proudly with the last statement.
“And oh so modest.” Ami smiled.
The redhead chuckled at that. “It does seem rather presumptuous. When I say it like that, but when it’s the truth…”
The blue-haired girl smiled at that. “Then maybe you can help me with my quantum physics.” She held up the book she had discarded earlier.
“It’s child’s play.” Washu said in her little girl voice while pointing at her cheeks.
They both laughed and settled in for some studying. Washu lost herself in helping Ami with her homework. For a short time she forgot completely about her plight aboard the Galaxy Police craft.
After an hour or so, the peace was shunted away by the door swinging open. Makoto came in with a panicked look on her face. “I’ve lost Mihoshi and the others STILL can’t find Ryoga!”
Washu cursed under her breath and stood up. “He’s not back here. Are you sure they check everywhere?”
The Senshi of Thunder nodded her head. “We checked everywhere…except…”
Washu’s eyes lit up in panic. “THE COCKPIT!!!” She jumped to her feet and dashed past the startled brunette.
The diminutive genius made her way frantically to the cockpit of the police cruiser. A sight that was the realization of her worst fears greeted her: Ryoga and Mihoshi sitting in the pilot and co-pilot seats respectively. “We’re doomed,” escaped from her lips.
“Are you sure this is right?” Ryoga asked.
The blonde police officer giggled. “Of course that’s right! That’s what I do every time I make planet fall!”
Washu’s eyes went wide with panic. “Planet fall!” She tore her eyes from the terrifying sight before her to the view screen. There to her amazement was the planet Terminus, well ahead of schedule. “That’s impossible.”
“Of course I usually crash on landing…” Mihoshi had a knack for saying the wrong things to brighten the mood.
The redheaded scientist looked away from the screen and quickly jumped forward and punched the ‘landing beacon’ button. “Lucky for you, Mihoshi, unlike Earth, this planet has landing beacons. We should make a safe landing well ahead of schedule.”
“Thanks, Washu-Chan!” Mihoshi smiled in her vacuous way.
The redhead gave Mihoshi a vicious grin. “You know there is something you can do for me.”
“Take the lost boy back to the common area and STAY AWAY FROM THE COCKPIT!!!” Washu shouted as her hair spiked upward. In the time it took for her to draw her next breath, the room was empty except for her. She couldn’t have been happier at that moment.
They successfully landed at one of the ports of the city. They made their way into the capital city to look for the missing royalty. The city lined a bay of one of the many oceans of the planet. The sight of the beach in the bay could be viewed from anywhere in the city.
“How do you suggest we go about this search?” Ami asked.
Washu looked over toward. “Just use your Mercury computer. Thanks to Mihoshi’s fooling around in my lab back home I now have an understanding of Moon energy. It was only a matter of translation to get your computer to see Jurian. Just load this module.” She handed the Senshi of Mercury a small disk. “That should take us right to her.”
Ami loaded the disk and typed in a few buttons. While she was studying the computer, Tuxedo Mask took a look out across the cityscape. “I wonder if I can get a decent change of clothes on this planet.”
“Maybe you can pick up a nice swimsuit!” Usagi exclaimed happily as she cuddled up next to him.
“Hey.” Rei commented as she looked at what the citizens were wearing. “All the women are wearing fukus!”
Everyone turned to see that, yes indeed, the female populace was wearing a wide variety of sailor fukus. All they lacked having the full uniform were a few ribbons, tiaras, and boots. It looked like they were amidst a Sailor Senshi army!
“It’s a swimsuit!” An older woman that had heard the temple maiden’s exclamation replied.
Makoto couldn’t help but laugh at the situation. She turned toward Ryoga. “You should probably cover your eyes before you die of blood loss, Ryoga.” Pause. “Ryoga?”
Everyone turned to where the lost boy had been standing to find him and Mihoshi missing. Washu just shook her head, pulled a flask from subspace, and took a large swig. She didn’t know if she could take much more of this.
“I can’t seem to pick up anything, Washu-Chan.” Ami spoke as she studied the computer.
“Let me see.” Washu spoke in a defeated tone as she looked over Ami’s shoulder at the computer. “That can’t be right. We got a reading from Earth…” She tapped a few keys. “Anti-Jurai energy?” She thought for a moment. “We were expected!”
“What?” Everyone asked at once.
“They were expecting a force of Jurian power to come and rescue the royalty.” The scientist explained. “They put up a field when we landed to counteract Jurian energy. They were expecting Yosho, Ayeka, or Tenchi.”
“But how could any warning systems have gone off if we don’t have any Jurian energy?” Uub asked from the side.
“Maybe they were just waiting for a ship from Earth.” Ami postulated.
“That could be, but it’s still a trap, so we have to be careful.” Washu turned to the senshi. “You girls should probably suit up.”
The girls nodded and, as one, pulled their henshin rods out. The held the ancient artifacts over their heads and spoke the transformation phrases. With a flash of light and twirling of bodies, the ordinary girls were transformed into the sailor suited soldiers of love and justice.
“At least now we fit in with the local fashions.” Sailor Venus joked.
Sailor Mercury lowered her blue visor. “The anti-Jurai energy is coming from the bay. That’s likely where they will be holding the royalty.”
“Then let’s free them!” Sailor Moon shouted. “Royalty is meant to be treated with respect, and not used as bait by evil men! We the Sailor Senshi of Love and Justice will punish them!”
Washu took another gulp from the flask.
“What about Ryoga?” Makoto asked.
“We’ll have to look from his later.” Tuxedo Mask answered. “Right now we will follow our princess into battle.”
The redheaded scientist looked over at Uub. “Are they always this bad?”
He smirked. “Always.”
They all ran toward the bay, looking everywhere for a possible trap. When they neared the shore, Mercury’s visor started beeping. “We’ve got a problem.”
Washu looked at her. “What kind of problem?”
She looked a little panicked. “I’ve picked up a new energy signature. One I haven’t registered for a long time.”
“When was the last time?”
“When we were at the arctic.” The rest of the Senshi looked worried. “It matches the energy of Freezer!”
At that moment the ground shook as a giant ball of red energy emerged from the center of the bay. It exploded, sending enormous tidal waves crashing toward the city.
“Behind me!” Uub shouted. He put his hands up and blasted forward, dispersing the waves that came toward them, saving the Senshi from harm. The city’s inhabitants weren’t as lucky. Screams were heard as the tidal waves swept through the city.
While the water was receding, a white figure rose from the bay as the Scouts and company looked on. “I am Cooler.” He spoke in a deep threatening voice. The shape shifter had transformed himself into a form that looked like a white version of the Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “I was told by the master that there would be an attempt to free my prisoner. I didn’t think that it would be a bunch of little girls in short skirts. I think I’ve wasted my time and energy.”
Sailor Moon stepped forward with a determined look on her face. “You’ve harmed the people of this planet and held prisoner a member of galactic royalty. In the name of the moon, we will punish you!”
He fought hard to keep from doubling over in laughter, as it was he guffawed loudly. “You…Ha ha…Think to defeat me? Me! The great Cooler! HA! HA! HA!” He laughed some more until he brought himself back under control. “You girls amuse me, for that I will grant you quick deaths.” He raised his hand and a ball of energy formed.
Washu looked on with wide eyes. “Girls, I think we need to regroup.”
Sailor Moon smirked. “He doesn’t know that love conquers all! We the sailor suited soldiers of love and justice will show him the evil of his ways!”
“Let me do it!” Sailor Venus exclaimed as she jumped up and down holding her hand in the air. “I want to try out my new attack!”
“Okay, Venus, you’re on.” Sailor Moon smiled at her. The other scouts looked between the two blondes. They hadn’t heard that Venus had discovered a new attack. Why didn’t they get theirs too?
Washu just sighed and put a hand over her face. Why didn’t the girls just let Uub and I handle this? She thought. We could have been done by now, but they want to show off their short skirts and flashy moves. She was going to need another drink when this was all over.
Cooler, who had heard the whole exchange laughed again. He clenched his fist, dissipating the energy ball. “Let’s see this attack. I would like to be amused again.”
Sailor Venus stepped forward as she began to call her magic to herself. She glowed with a golden aura as she began to spin in a graceful pirouette. She finished her turn with a finger pointed in Cooler’s direction. “Sic ‘em Uub!”
Everyone on the ground facefaulted. Cooler turned his head to the side with a wide-eyed, unbelieving stare. “What kind of attack is that?!” He asked incredulously.
“That’s my cue.”
Cooler turned to see a dark-skinned man with a brown Mohawk standing behind him. Before Cooler could react, Uub slammed his palm into the shapeshifter’s chest and released a powerful ki-blast into the enemy’s midsection, blowing an enormous hole through him. Stunned by the action, Cooler could only stare as Uub dropped in altitude a bit and dropped his hands to his side.
“Kamehameha!” Uub thrust his fist forward and unleashed the Turtle Destruction Wave. The blast flew up and expanded to the size of his opponent. Cooler was engulfed in the power of the reincarnated Majin Buu, and quickly ceased to exist on this plane of reality.
“Well, that was anticlimactic.” Sailor Mars commented.
“Justice is served.” Sailor Venus smiled as she held two fingers up in the victory pose.
“New attack, huh?” Sailor Jupiter asked.
“Yup.” The blonde smiled brightly.
“You haven’t been getting much exercise in lately have you?” Mars asked from the other side.
“Sure I have, Uub and I get lots of exercise in!” She tried to defend herself.
“I’m talking about something other than bedroom exercise…” Mars needled her further.
Venus threw her hand over her mouth. “Not like that! He’s been teaching me martial arts!”
“So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.” Washu couldn’t help but throw in her two cents. The whole situation was just too funny.
A shamed, red-faced Sailor Venus turned her back to everyone.
Tuxedo Mask decided that some reason needed to come to this gathering. “I hate to ruin everyone’s fun, but we still have to find Mihoshi, Ryoga, and the member of the Jurian royal family.”
“Hey guys! Look what we found!”
Everyone turned at Mihoshi’s voice to see her and Ryoga striding up with Empress Misaki in tow. The teal haired woman looked over the sailor scouts. “You all look so cuuute!” Her eyes got big with that doe-eyed stare of hers. She quickly leapt over and engulfed as many as she could in a hug. “Thank you for saving me!”
Venus managed to avoid the group hug and made her way to Washu’s side. “You know we still have a few days before we have to meet with the others, and we are on a vacation planet. Do you think there is any way we could stay for a little bit?” She asked as nonchalantly as she could.
Washu sighed as she rolled her eyes to the back of her head. “Sure. Why not?”