All Mixed Up

Chapter Nine

Akane and Gohan chatted amiably as they neared the end of their morning trek to school. As they rounded the corner, both of them froze. The Hentai Horde was back and ready for action. As Gohan and Akane stared in stunned confusion, one of the boys stepped forward. He was wearing a hockey outfit as he bowed to them. “Truly we warriors of virtue have taken it upon ourselves to give our finest attempt to release Akane from the snare of loneliness in which she is currently trapped. However, we will acknowledge her mandate and declare that this one attack shall be our last. Should we fail in our most holy of tasks, we will forever release our hopes of dating the most… uhm… the most… uh…” Akane stared incredulously as the boy reached into his uniform and pulled out a script. “Beauteous Tendo Akane.” He stashed the papers back in his uniform as he held his hockey-stick high over his head. “GET HER!”

Gohan looked at Akane in surprise. Sensing his gaze, she glanced over at him. “Mine,” she growled as she shifted her gaze back to the oncoming horde. The fight was short, brutal, and extremely one sided. The poor guys never stood a chance.

Gohan chuckled a little as he watched Akane dust off her hands and smooth out her skirt. He took the opportunity to walk up beside her and put his hand on her shoulder as he smiled. “You did great!”

Akane smiled happily back at him. “Thanks. Your training really helped. I just can’t believe he was reading a script. Kuno must have put them up to it. It sounded like one of his rants, anyway.”

As the two friends entered the school, they didn’t notice the whispers starting. It didn’t take long for the hushed sounds to turn into mutterings as the Nabiki-less rumor mill creaked and groaned into action for the first time in years. With its safeties off, the conjectures went wild and escalated beyond the believable.

Gohan and Akane sat in their seats, waiting for the teacher to start the class. The wait was short as the door opened up and the teacher stepped in, followed by a young, rather handsome boy. He was wearing a school uniform and, of all things, a giant spatula across his back. A bandolier with normal size spatulas was strapped across his chest. As the teacher called the class to order, he introduced the new student. “We have a new student today. Please give a warm welcome to Kuonji Ukyou.”

The young man bowed and gave the class a cocky grin as he spun two spatulas in his hand. Gohan’s eyes noted the rather large spatula strapped across the student’s back. “Ukyou’s the name, okonomiyaki’s the game. Charmed, I’m sure” From apparently thin air Ukyou produced a portable grill, two small spatulas, and a host of ingredients. In almost no time, dozens of okonomiyaki were being grilled. “And now, behold! The ancient art of okonomiyaki making!” With that battle-cry, the round treats were thrown to each student with incredible precision. The class marveled at the incredible flavor and texture of the food.

Gohan, however, was more interested in something else. As he nibbled on the excellent treat that landed on his desk, he examined the new student closely. ‘Something’s not quite right here… His hips are too wide, I can’t see an Adam’s apple, and…’ as Ukyou continued making the treats, Gohan detected just a hint of a battle aura. ‘And he has a feminine aura… he’s a she. What the heck? This school is way too weird.’ Gohan shook his head some.

After the first class ended, Akane went to her locker. Her mind was on two things right then, so she was ignoring what was going on around her. First there was the realization that none of the boys would be bothering her in the morning ever again. That put a happy smile on her face. The second thing was the fact that the fight had been much easier. Gohan’s training was really helping her out. She picked up the books for her next class and was about to close the door to her locker when she caught the edge of a nearby conversation.

“… heard it right from Gohan himself, man. I heard him saying that he’s mackin’ all three of the Tendo sisters,” a boy’s voice said.

Another boy responded. “No way! I might believe it about Akane or maybe even Kasumi, but Nabiki? She’s a cold fish!”

“Well, apparently he thawed her out. I mean, come on, she’s not around all of a sudden, just a little while after he came to town? He probably got her knocked up and they got her out of town so no one around here would know.” The first voice spoke in an all-knowing way.

“Whoa! That’s one lucky stiff.”

A third boy piped in. “Yeah. You saw how he was pawin’ Akane after she beat the morning goon squad. I bet they’ve already done it. Heck, if he’s right about Nabiki, Gohan’s probably done it with all three sis-“

The conversation ended with the sound of screaming tortured metal. The three boys turned to see a glowing red Akane holding what was left of an entire row of lockers.

Coming up beside her, Yuka looked at the cowering boys and the glowing Akane. “Run. Now,” she recommended to the three students. Quickly retreating scampering sounds let Akane know that the boys had listened to their survival instincts and fled.

Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and heard Gohan’s voice behind her. “Akane, what’s-“ Without looking, she spun in place and slammed the lockers over Gohan’s head, burying him in steel and school supplies. Before he could react, she tore off down the hall with tears in her eyes.

Gohan could only stand there and blink as random pencils and books continued to fall around him. “What did I do?”

The rest of the day until lunch passed in much the same way for Gohan. Whispered conversations seemed to stop everywhere he went and Akane ignored him or ran from him any time he tried to talk to her. Gohan was a patient young man, but his nerves were rapidly getting sore and the whole school seemed determined to dance on them. When lunch finally rolled around, he gave up trying to talk to Akane and just found a quiet spot to sit by himself.

A short distance away, the new student had set up a grill and was serving the lunch crowd. Business was going well as the chef happily plied her trade. As the lunch period drew to a close, she finally noticed the young man sitting all by himself. ‘He’s cute,’ she thought to herself. Her face darkened as she remembered the reason why she could never have a boyfriend like him. ‘Curse you Saotomes… I had to sacrifice my womanhood since you abandoned me! I’ll make your whole family pay for what you’ve done, you enemy of women! If I ever find any of you, that is…’ She had heard rumors of a man matching Genma’s description in this area, but she had yet to run into him. She also had seen no sign of Ranma.

One of the students noticed the scowl on her face and inquired about it. Ukyou considered ignoring him, but instead she shrugged and glared at nothing in particular. “I’m just hoping to find a certain someone I used to know.”

“Who’s that?” The boy asked amiably.

“Saotome Ranma.” Ukyou couldn’t keep the seething rage out of her voice.

The boy blinked at her as he scratched his head. “You know, you’re the second person to come here looking for him. The last guy went after Gohan there and called him ‘Saotome’. Maybe he could help.” The boy pointed towards Gohan.

Ukyou’s eyes went wide before narrowing dangerously. In a moment she had prepared an okonomiyaki, drew a message in the paste, and hurled it at the sitting young man.

Gohan heard a whistling noise and a yell of “CATCH!” He turned towards the sound just in time to catch a face full of food. As the okonomiyaki fell, he caught it in his hands and noticed a message drawn on it. “I know who you are. I know WHAT you are! I challenge you to a fight behind the school after school. Hatefully, Ukyou.” Gohan glared across the yard as he crushed the message in his hand. The glare turned to a grimace as he realized what he had just done. Growling in frustration he began butting his head repeatedly against a nearby tree. He ignored the tree’s protests at its treatment.

The rest of the school day passed relatively quietly, but Gohan never managed to get a chance to ask Akane or Ukyou for an explanation. Finally the bell rang and everyone piled out of the school. Gohan thought about following Akane home, but he remembered that he had a challenge to go to. He had yet to figure out how Ukyou had figured out who he was. ‘No one has seen me flying, except Nabiki. I’ve only gone Super-Saiya-jin twice. No one saw me the first time, and only the General saw me the second time. I haven’t really done anything unusual lately, so how did she figure it out?!’ He turned the corner to head for the school’s back lot and was surprised to see a fighting ring had been set up. He blinked in confusion a few times, especially when he saw several large vats set up right next to the ring. “HUH?!”

Standing in the ring, Ukyou was had switched out of her boy’s uniform and into a chef’s outfit. “Are you ready, jackass?”

Gohan glowered as he stepped into the ring. “Ready when you are.”

Ukyou charged forward with her battle spatula. Gohan blinked in surprise as she tried to hit him with the unusual weapon. ‘She’s way too slow to even begin to hit me. If she knows what I’m capable of, why is she bothering with these pathetic attacks?’ He continued simply dodging around the inside of the ring, trying to figure out just what Ukyou’s plan was. He finally had to move towards the edge when the angry chef cut loose with a barrage of throwing spatulas. He started to move in for an attack, but Ukyou’s smirk made him pause. He maintained a defensive stance for a little bit longer before an odd smell came to his attention. He sniffed around some before finally looking down. His shoes had melted.

“What the?” Gohan knelt down and touched the ring. “What is THIS?” The outer edge of the fighting area was made of metal and hot as a cooking grill. Fortunately the heat didn’t really bother him, thanks to his training. When he stood back up unconcerned, Ukyou’s jaw dropped some.

“Fine!” Ukyou moved over to one of the vats of ingredients. “I’ve got something else on the menu for you. I’ve added a few special ingredients to my normal recipe guaranteed to send you from the frying pan into the fire.” She hurled the vat at Gohan. Gohan put his foot out to stop the sliding pot, but when the two came into contact, the stuff inside flew out, coating Gohan’s chest and arms.

“What the?” Gohan tried to move his arms and there was a horrible ripping noise. Looking down he saw that his uniform had been ripped open as the glue-like batter proved stronger than the cloth. “What is this? GLUE?”

“Just regular batter, with some rubber cement mixed in!” Ukyou’s cocky grin returned. She threw some unbelievably long noodles at him, which wrapped around his arms. Gohan was surprised to find that the strands were actually quite tough. Ukyou tried to throw him using the noodles, but Gohan’s patience was nearing its end.

“LET ME GO!”

“Fine!” Ukyou let go, causing Gohan to overbalance and fall on his rear. “And this is my own special creation! Tempura flakes mixed with gunpowder!” She threw a bucket of food at Gohan. A smokescreen formed around him, followed by small explosions. Ukyou laughed almost maniacally as she patted herself on the back for her victory.

Inside the cloud, Gohan’s temper finally hit its limit. The gunpowder in the tempura flakes couldn’t even bruise him, but the frustration he had felt all day reached the boiling point. In a blaze of power, Gohan’s aura sprang to life. The smoke cloud was blown away, the ingredients were sent flying, the ring itself was pulverized, and Ukyou was knocked onto her rear with a stunned expression on her face. Her eyes went wide as Gohan stepped out of the cloud’s remains, his uniform shirt a tattered ruin. Despite the terrifying situation, she couldn’t help but appreciate his revealed torso. She could only watch in shock as Gohan’s glowing form stalked across the ruined remains of the fighting ring to stand before her. His hand reached down and gripped the front of her shirt as he lifted her into the air. “Now, you WILL tell me just what is your problem or I will be extremely upset. I’ve had a very bad day and you’re just making it worse.”

Ukyou’s temper finally managed to override her fear. She glared at the young man, ignoring the facts that he was glowing, holding her up one-handed with no sign of strain, and that he was completely unharmed by any of her attacks. “You Saotomes have ruined my life! I’ve sworn to get back at you and your family!”

Gohan blinked in confusion and his aura winked out of existence. “Saotome? I’m not a Saotome. My name’s Gohan. Son Gohan.”

Ukyou blinked in surprise. “But one of the students said that he heard someone call you Saotome once.”

The young man groaned. “Ryouga. He thought I was Saotome Ranma for a very short while. One of the other students must have thought Saotome was a nickname or something.”

Ukyou suddenly felt terrible. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…”

Gohan sighed as he put her down gently. “That’s all right. No real harm done. But I have to ask, what is a cute girl like you doing dressing up like a guy?”

Ukyou sighed and told him how she had been engaged by Genma to Ranma when they were five. How Genma took her dowry, but left her behind. How everyone made fun of her and how she had sworn off her womanhood until she could get revenge.

Suddenly, something that Gohan had said sunk in. Ukyou stared at him in shock. “How did you know I was a girl?”

Gohan chuckled. “My dad may have had a hard time figuring that sort of thing out, but mom taught me to be a bit more observant. You don’t have an Adam’s apple, your figure is feminine, and you’ve got a female aura. And despite all of the attempts to the contrary, you’re still a very cute.”

“Cute?” Ukyou asked in amazement.

Gohan nodded with a kind smile. “Real cute.”

Ukyou blushed horribly and punched him on the arm. She barely noticed the pain from punching Gohan’s steel-like arm. “Go on, stop lying.”

Gohan ignored the punch. “Why would I lie?”

“Am not, am not, am not!” Ukyou punctuated each denial with a punch to Gohan’s chest.

Gohan held back a chuckle at her antics. ‘She has some major insecurities.’ “Ukyou, I’m not lying. You are attractive. Surely someone’s told you that before.

Ukyou barely managed to shake her head once before she began crying. Gohan blinked in confusion as the brown-haired girl suddenly threw her arms around him and buried her face in his chest. He froze stiff as she bawled into his chest. Slowly and nervously he wrapped his arms around her in a comforting hug as he let her cry.

After a while Ukyou finally got control of herself. She sniffled as she wiped her face clean. “Thank you. I was beginning to think that no one would ever realize that I was a girl.”

Gohan smiled. “That’s okay. You looked like you could use a friend just-“ He was cut off as a mallet slammed into his forehead. Caught unaware, his head was rocked back and he stumbled, losing his balance and falling backwards. Since she was still in his arms, Ukyou came with him. Unfortunately, this made for a rather embarrassing scene that was witnessed by a group of students who chose that moment to round the corner. Gohan could just make out the trail of Akane’s hair as she fled.

Gohan managed to get himself gently untangled from Ukyou and set her back on her feet before he tore off chasing after Akane. Ukyou gathered what was left of her dignity and walked over to the whispering students. “What was that about?” She asked one of them.

“Uh, you were putting the moves on Akane’s fiancé, that’s what,” one of the girls responded rather hotly. “What kind of a guy are you?”

Ukyou’s eyes went wide and she slapped her forehead. If it were just her own reputation on the line she’d ignore them, but she didn’t want to risk getting Gohan in trouble. She grabbed the front of her chef’s uniform and pulled it open revealing a strapped-down pair of breasts. “I’m a girl, okay! And I didn’t know he was engaged!” Ukyou let out a depressed sigh. It was only then that she realized that she hadn’t countered the claims about ‘putting the moves on him’. “I should have known that a guy like that would already be taken.”

“It was arranged by their parents, apparently,” one of the boys in the group grumbled. “Lucky stiff.”

Ukyou sighed as she though to herself, ‘Oh well… maybe he’ll still be my friend. He did offer, after all.’ “Who’s the lucky lady?”

“Her name’s Tendo Akane,” the girl who’d originally spoken answered.

“And where did that mallet come from?”

“Tendo Akane.”

Ukyou blinked. “She threw a mallet at his head?!”

“Well, she’s a bit violent sometimes…”

One of the boys, who happened to be sporting a rather bruised face, snorted. “Sometimes? Try most of the time.” He looked over at Ukyou. “Didja see what was left of the lockers on the third floor? Or that pile of bodies near the front gate this morning?” When Ukyou nodded, he continued, “That was Akane’s work.”

The girl who had done the most talking spun on him. “And you jerks started it!” The girl then turned around and stormed off, taking the rest of the girls with her.

The guy just rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well that’s old news anyways. Judging from the way she was acting, Gohan’s got a good chance of landing in the hospital soon. Everyone knows what Akane’s temper is like. And knowing Gohan, he’ll just let her hit him. That guy’s whipped.”

Ukyou frowned. “Is it really that bad?”

The guy nodded. “Yeah, she’s a violent maniac. Even her sisters acknowledge that, from what I’ve heard. And Gohan’s a nice guy, so he’ll probably just let her beat him. And since he’s living with them right now, oh the humanity!” The boy shook his head melodramatically.

Ukyou nodded in understanding and decided to watch the couple whenever she could. If the boy was right, she might have to get involved, either directly or by calling the police. ‘I just made a friend and there’s no way I’m going to let some violent maniac hospitalize him!’ She took off in the direction where she saw Gohan heading.

She had gotten a good distance down the sidewalk when she saw someone she had hoped to meet again for a long time. In a fluid motion she unhitched the battle spatula from her back and leapt into the air. “PREPARE TO PAY, SAOTOME GENMA!” Lightning crashed behind her as a storm began to move into the area.

Gohan and Akane were a good distance away, so they didn’t hear the battle cry. Gohan finally caught up with her. “Akane, what is wrong! That’s twice today that you’ve hit me for no reason at all!”

Akane stopped and spun on him. “You know quite good and well why I hit you, Casanova!”

Gohan took a step back in surprise. “Casanova? What are you talking about?”

Akane glared through her tears. “I heard one of the boys talking about how you were bragging about getting me and my sisters in bed. I also heard you were spreading rumors that you got Nabiki pregnant! And you have the audacity to try and say you didn’t deserve getting hit?!”

Gohan blinked in shock a few times. He finally managed to get his wits in order. “Akane, have I ever lied to you?”

Akane started to bring up the Dojo destroyer, but her mind told her that he hadn’t lied then… unforeseen circumstances had occurred. She scoured her memory for any other times she could think of and failed. “No.”

“Then you should know that I’m not lying now. I did NOT start, nor have I even heard any of these rumors! I would never do that to any of you!”

Gohan’s sincerity did a good job of beating down Akane’s anger, but something else was also on her mind. “Why were you half-naked with that new boy?”

“Ukyou’s a girl, Akane,” Gohan informed her. “She thought I was part of Ranma’s family, thanks to some rumors, so she challenged me to a fight. Apparently Ranma and his father really messed up her life and she wants revenge.”

“And that explains why you don’t have a shirt?” Akane glanced down at his chest to emphasize her point. This also had the effect of derailing her train of thought as she noticed his chest turning a bit red.

“It got destroyed in the fight,” Gohan told her as he performed a full-body blush.

Akane closed her eyes and tried to decide whether to believe him or not. After a while, she nodded to herself. “All right. I’m sorry I got so mad.”

Gohan waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. Just try to tell me why you’re mad next time. Maybe we can avoid this sort of thing together.”

Akane smiled a little. “Together.” She nodded happily. Together they resumed their walk home. They only got a short distance when the storm that had been building all afternoon finally broke. As the two teenagers ran towards the Tendo dojo they came across a disturbing sight.

“Mr. Panda! What happened to you!” Akane looked in shock at the panda’s battered body. “Who did this?”

Gohan was examining the panda as well. ‘Some of these wounds look like they were made by a large, blunt object… and that imprint looks just like Ukyou’s battle spatula. But why would she beat up a panda?’ Knowing how often things seemed to be misunderstood in this town, Gohan tried to avoid jumping to a conclusion. Now that he was examining Mr. Panda much more closely than he had before, he noticed something strange. ‘He almost seems to have a human aura. Weird.’ He began to wonder if Mr. Panda was like his friends Oolong or Puar. Sighing, he put it out of his head as he picked up the panda and settled him gently over his shoulder. “Let’s get you home. Hey, Akane, maybe you could fix one of your specials for him.”

Neither of them noticed the panda’s panicked expression or the violent shaking of his head. “You’re right! I’ll do it, Gohan. Thank you!” Akane almost skipped the rest of the way home, her bad mood from the whole day almost completely forgotten. Unfortunately the mood made a reappearance when they got home though. Kasumi walked up to Gohan with a smile on her face and an envelope in her hand. “Gohan! A nice young man left a letter for you.” She blinked at Gohan’s partially clothed state. “Oh my! What happened?”

Gohan chuckled nervously. “Had an interesting day at school.” He opened the letter and read the message while Akane looked over his shoulder. “Gohan, thank you for your kind words and for offering to be my friend. I’ve found out where I can find Ranma and get my revenge. When that is done, I will come back. If the offer is still open, I’d like to be your friend. And tell that violent maniac that if she even considers hurting you, she’ll answer to me. Your cute friend, Ukyou.”

Gohan felt heat building up next to him and turned to see Akane’s aura raging at full tilt. The glare she gave the letter and then turned towards him would have killed anyone without Saiya-jin blood. “Your… Cute… friend… Ukyou… Thinks I’m a violent maniac?!?!”

Gohan gulped. “Come on, Akane… you have to consider what she saw her first and only day here!”

Akane’s temper flared. “So this is MY FAULT?!” Before she could get mad enough to try and hit him, Akane turned around and stormed up the stairs to her room.

Gohan started to follow after her, but his ability to dismantle tense situations had been expended for that day. With a disgusted sigh he went to his own room and dug out a new shirt. “Great.”